So after the very little sleep we managed. Gingy strolled in, pissing about round the house at 3.40am , the baby decided at 2-4-5+6am that he wanted some milk? Why does he do that.. Like hourly Oscar..Really? Have you not heard about the other babies routines… ? Did you not realise we’re looking at a good 4 or 5 hours now?! Get on schedule child.
Anyway as I was saying, on very little sleep, and after braving gingys football ( I just wanted to make sure he got his ass out bed and stood in the cold for a few hours) you know…after my shit night sleep.
It was SWIMMING Lesson time.. Oscars Waterbabies class. Now after skiving last lesson because Oscar had the sniffles.. And his last lesson had scared the shit out of me ANDDDDD the fact that my makeup was perfect and it couldn’t be ruined by a bloody swimming lesson.We were behind… And nervous, and having to drag gingy out of his hangover coma on the sofa… Meant we were late. So in we go praying that we didn’t have our last teacher (I’m sure she was the trunchple out of matilda?) and I’m greeted by ALL THE DADS already in the pool, and a young soft spoken swimming teacher. few. Now this swimming teacher seemed to think I new what to do.. But you know what I really didn’t! So first we had to do a safe entrance into the pool. Now if you’ve ever been to waterbabies you’d know you lie baby feet first on the side of the pool, you put both hands either side of them and swivel in gracefully then scoop up your bundle of joy.. Me.. Well I put him down NEARLY BANGED HIS HEAD. Both hands either side… The swivel didn’t go to plan, I nearly flattened Oscar with a belly flop, made a huge cannonball entrance splash into the pool and dragged Oscar in like a dead seal on a nature documentary. Great start.
Oscar then made the choice to do a baby classic… Puke and fart.. Bubbles up to the surface which I very quickly addressed as the baby. (smirks were flying let me tell you ) And a ton of stringy white sick.. Now I’m sorry.. what are you meant to do when a babies sick in the pool? when your caught that is.. Because obviously if your not caught..you just splash it off with the water but when your caught- and all eyes are on you, with this dribbly sick slowly dripping off Oscars face into the pool where all the other darling angels are about to swim WHAT DO YOU DO? well I panicked and wiped it on my bikini top.. My black bikini top, with a white sick stain. Honestly not a look for a children’s swimming lesson.
We then had to do several swim and releases. Swim and releases aren’t for the fainthearted – you could see the dad’s getting the babies back for all the sleepless nights, half finished games of fifa and cock-blocking. Basically.. You dunk your baby under water..let go.. And hope for the best?(if you did this at home you’d have social services at your door and your baby ferried off to be adopted) . Well after the demonstration with little Isla who came back to the surface upside down flapping around like a fish out of water, I new we were in trouble… But we did it: dunk.. Let go.. Touch the wall.. Pick up baby.. Swim. Oscar came up spitting more water than he has milk in a bottle… But he recovered quickly until the swim back to the wall. Where I slipped and dunked him under twice by accident and all the parents silently judged me.