Small miracles

So I thought today, that yesterday was a big milestone in having Oscar, no he didn’t cut his first tooth, no he didn’t roll… And hell if he slept through the night I’d be having a party. No. I’d like to officially announce that I had a hot cup of tea ☕… That’s right. Hot. Not warm.. And not cold. HOT. Anyone with a baby will understand that heat is something we lack… Hot tea… Hot food.. Hot bath.. It just doesn’t happen any more,  so once I polished off that toasty cuppa.. I was ready to conquer the world… Or the poonami that was all over grandad, Woops sorry grandad. 

Now today… Today is exciting.. Today is baby free time, well tonight. Tonight I’m off to be a screaming fan girl to Justin bieber. HELL YEAH. My changing bags being changed for a handbag…. NO NAPPY SACKS.  I might take some baby wipes though, those things are my life. Baby poo-baby wipe. Cat SICK –  Baby wipe. Spilled drink- Baby wipe. Cleaning the house.. HELL.. I’M GONNA USE A BABY WIPE. I know you can all relate,i know for sure that if you’ve got a baby that you’ve managed to do all Housework with a baby wipe.

The prep that I need for my Justin bieber baby-faced night out is as follows:

FAKE TAN.  now fake tan is a toughy.. You have to prep for it.. I’m not talking about the exfoliating.. Nobody really does that do they? I’m talking about shaving the legs. That adds a good 5 minutes to my shower 🚿… Oscars not great with shower time anyway, let alone an extra five minutes stuck in front of Mr fucking tumble. (he’s an incredibly irritating bloke he really is.) Then we’ve got to actually apply the tan.. This involves putting it on (I’ve got it down to about 3 minutes) and letting it dry without picking Oscar up.. Now.. If I cave and pick Oscar up, he’s gonna look like he’s had a thoroughly good sunbathe on ibiza beach,  especially when it sinks in to his dry forehead, he’ll look like something off dickinsons real deal.

Next I’m going to need to dye my hair.. This means actually going and getting the color and coming home and putting it on without giving Oscar any black spots to add to his now orange complexion. in fact.. I might be pushing it just slightly dying my hair. We might leave that one. I mean it’s not a ten minute job, and everyone knows you can only do things in 5-10 minute slots. Your baby is a ticking time bomb! Getting ready to ruin your day at any given moment.

Now I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t looked at the calpol twice already this morning thinking about the silence of him sleeping through my time-sensitive tasks. Knowing full well that it’s morally wrong to dose your baby up on calpol to fake tan yourselves – I do feel like he’s a bit hot and needs his temperature bringing down.? No no. I’m just kidding don’t go phoning social services, I’m gonna handle my baby… Drug free. And that means both of us. Wish me luck! 

Published by The Dempsey diaries

Just a mother, telling you of my shit stories, trying too hard to make you laugh.

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