After being on the receiving end of advice I really didn’t ask for, I decided to put together a list of all the advice and silly statements my baby group received, if you haven’t heard any of these.. You either don’t own a small dependent or you don’t talk to anyone in the world.

Don’t pick him up.. You’ll spoil him. Here’s the thing, babies don’t come out the womb with manipulation on their brain… They don’t know how to look at things without going cross eyed so they definitely don’t think.. Hey you know what I’m gonna TOTALLY  get her ass whooped by Nanny by crying and making her pick me up. Ha.

Next up…. “she needs baby rice, if she doesn’t like it she’ll spit it out. I done it with all my kids and now they’re 40 odd year old” right… Basically NO, I DON’T CARE that your Gary is now 40 working for the local council. And I don’t care that you gave him baby rice at 3months. If it didn’t leave your foof it’s not your say whether I’m shoving a choking hazard in my babies mouth. Pretty simple.

Is he good? As opposed to what? If you mean is he stealing cars and joyriding round the estate.. No he’s good. He’s a baby.. Is any baby good or bad? No they’re just doing what babies do.. Waking for food, crying for a nappy change, you know.. Normal baby shit.

Dummies… Health visitors saying fine to give it to your squealing 2 week old,And then your big fat stroppy midwife roasting you alive because you’ve given your 2 Week old a dummy. It’s either that or my nipples would have come off!.

I know this is the correct advise but when A friends baby was new born he had a gammy eye, the midwife told her to squirt breastmilk in his eye, she then proceeded to take baby and hold him why she expressed milk directly into his eye. Can’t help but think that’s pretty  traumatising Haha.

Don’t you think you should have a routine now? Hahahahaha. If anyone has given you this advice before 12 weeks. Give them your child… And get them to set his/her routine. Let’s see if they shit and eat on time eh? 

Your baby can have chocolate.. Erm.. My baby can’t handle if there’s a lump in the milk.. OK well he can definitely have white chocolate… Because of course.. White chocolates definitely in my cow and gate weaning book let me tell you 😂.

A bit of whiskey on his gums with help with teething… It’ll also help with having social services round regularly.

What do you do all day, usually one from the other half. This kind of dumb question is why divorce rates are so high. So let me break it down for them… I kept me.. And your child alive. Also I may have managed to keep my personal hygiene to a passable standard, and entertained our offspring with numerous shaking of toys and peekaboo games. I bounced him around the house 12 times while he screamed as if being murdered. And I got the post in. As for your washing, ironing, dinner… Feel free to do it yourself.

Aww is it a girl? The blue clothes, blanket and pram should really be a big heads up that my child is a boy.. Not a girl. Dickhead.

Isn’t he small, big, chunky, skinny. Any of these are just annoying. No. He’s normal. Stop making out my child’s not normal. (same during pregnancy oooh that’s a small bump.. 🙄)

Thanks to all the girls on bc July 16.fb_img_1477482618139fb_img_1477482666838dsc_1712