That’s right.. Makeup and a baby do not mix. In the morning I do my best to slap on whatevers chilling in that make-up bag, you know 6year old lip liner that’s blunter than me.
Because we don’t wanna be looked at like ‘we’ve let ourselves go‘ so we do our best to achieve that MILF Look. The thing is, with a screaming over tired morning baby, it’s just not that simple.
We start with the shower, we rush and end up leaving shampoo in our hair. Whilst getting dressed we hop around squeezing those pre-baby jeans over our muffin top and singing songs ‘I can’t get these jeans over my fatassssss‘ in baby voice to try keep the baby entertained whilst you attempt to change into a new person. Whack on the baggiest least creased top. Jobs a good’un.
Makeup, OK slap some foundation on, coo over your crying child… Get foundation on his fresh white babygrow.. Pffft fuck sake a baby wipe isn’t gonna fix this.
Next up we chuck bronzer on.. Literally I put on the whole pot.. Anything to make the sleep deprivation leave my face.
Lipstick a dark shade… Let’s make it look like we’re making an effort.. Dark lipstick somehow makes me look slightly classier. Just don’t kiss the baby. Or worse blow raspberries on him, unless you want the backlash of this clown scare business looking at you! And of course your child looking like he had a fight with your makeup bag and lost.
Eyebrows OK.. First one, perfect . got that good arch, made it slightly too thick to cover them stray hairs.. That I will possibly never ever pluck out til Oscars 18
And now Oscars screaming like really screaming, OK forget it.. It’s passable, we can leave like this. And that’s when I realise in the car mirror I forgot to put the other eyebrow on… It looks like a catapillar chasing a slug. Bollocks.