Soft play, otherwise know as fight club for the under 5’s.

Today we went to maxs 4th birthday party, held at millies meerkats. Millies meerkats is your general wacky warehouse but they chucked in a small area for animals… Whoever decided animals should be in a wacky warehouse needs a good head wobble, how the guinea pigs weren’t going down the slides at 40mph is beyond me.

Then there was the soft play. The under 3’s area. More like fight club for the 4year olds, who am I to break up a fight. They were literally beating the shit out of each other with soft padded triangles.. Me being the way I am.. Noticed max losing and told him to ditch the triangle and go for a knuckle sandwich, a fist frenzie, a one bomb. The other child’s mother unfortunately had bothered to check on her devil child and saw me chanting ‘beat the shit out of him max’  from the sidelines. I have no idea why but she looked rather disapprovingly at me and led him off by his hand. What a sore loser 🙄

All the small little people got led into the food room for there little buffet meals, then out comes the birthday cake, now… I’m not sure how many 4year old parties have been had at bloody millies meerkats, but you’d think they’d learn that turning the lights off on a bunch of children to pitch black is gonna cause serious screams of terror… And parents unable to video the special moment the cake comes out. I’m not joking we have a 2minute film of pitch black,  And screaming with ONE FUCKING CANDLE that another child decided to blow out before the birthday boy. It was some kind of horror story gone wrong.

To lift the moods, out came the balloon swords. Great for the fight club. Not so great for the parents with children who managed to beat their swords to the point they popped… That’s when the real disappointment set in. More tears. More tantrums. All the little girls came out with little puppy dogs, but one little girl came out with a pink sword. Please think of a pink balloon sword, and tell me it doesn’t resemble a cock and balls…. 🙄 now imagine that the little girl decided to suck the balloon. This is a test of your new sensible parenting brain. Unfortunately seems mine hasn’t kicked in… Nor gingys, we both sat there pissing ourselves. Others didn’t find it so funny.

I saw myself in one of the other parents as she stormed over red faced, because another child had hit hers. Now I really respected her. Because she refrained from kicking the other child over. I however wouldn’t of. Please see photo attached of birthday boy repeating the blowing out of the candles because you know… Millies meerkats fucked it upDSC_1861.JPG