Ive decided we all need to be slightly more specific about these TERRIBLE TWOS.

Firstly if you Google terrible twos, one of the options as you’re typing are ‘terrible twos early‘ and let me explain to you why… Because terrible twos are actually FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS EIGHTEEN MONTHS. That’s right….. It begins at one and a half, so I’ve learnt.

It seems my alcohol cupboard hasn’t really took a bashing since Oscar was about 4months, Now… My coffee doesn’t taste right if there’s more coffee than baileys in it.

If you’re not sure if your toddler is going through it… Heres what to look for :


That’s it.

Here’s my tips for outrageous 18months.

1)get yourself a full cupboard – be it hardcore drugs, alcohol or chocolate – nobodies judging.

2)BRIBE SWEETS. Yes I know we’ve been sticking to organix baby crisps.. But now.. NOW IS THE TIME FOR MILKY BUTTONS OR FREDDOS.

3) A FULL TIME JOB.. That’s right, get yourself a full time job to ‘provide and earn a better life for your family‘ and of course….a Guilt free full time nursery place.

4)get your loud voice on for the public tantrums… For example.. ‘OSCAR YOUR MOMMY IS NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY WHEN I TELL HER HOW NAUGHTY YOU’VE BEEN TODAY’ 

5)and last.. But most definitely not least, practice flicking the Vs at yourself in the mirror, you’re gonna need that for every huffing puffing tutting judgmental twat that lies eyes on you whilst your child flaps around on the floor like a fish out of water.

Good luck. See you all on the other side. Feel free to comment good boarding schools.