So.. You’ve decided its time to potty train.. Personally one of my favourite milestones. But… Are you ready?

How’s your patience right now, do you think you could handle your child telling you they don’t need the potty 24 times in 2 minutes before pissing on the rug you seemingly forgot to move? If yes… Could you handle this ten times in the hour?if you answered yes to 10 pisses on your rug in an hour… You’re ready.. And a fucking nutcase!

Suprises, you need to be ready to be suprised because although you may be filled with doubt, your child may pick it up fast and do their business on the Potty.. What a lovely glorious surprise! Or you may get the other kind of suprise where you find a shit on the sofa. Beggars can’t be choosers now.

Presents, for encouragement you definitely need gifts, may it be trips to the soft play or chocolate any time of bribery is a good start, also your child will more than likely reward you with gifts themselves, like a full shit in their hands to give “to you mommy”. BE GRATEFUL NOW LADIES.

Last but not least, children are unpredictable you might think 6 years into potty training that they are fully toilet trained however, like the rug situation… Sometime they like to suprise you out in public… Tada… Shit in the pants (always take spare pants…. Even for your 12 year old) nobody wants a suprise like that in sainsburys.

And potty training for bedtime? Hahaha there’s a reason for incontinence pads let me tell you… Those giant nappies are made so you never have to do night training, there’s something magical about waking up at 4 am to the smell of a shit smeared mattress and wall. Don’t bother.

So are you ready?

Good luck.. And may the odds be ever in your favor. Be sure not to mistake any poops for freddos.