Let me talk you through my fuckiiiiiing day.

You know its bad now don’t you.. Now I’ve swore in the first sentence.

Right so, let’s start with the fact I’m running on VERY little sleep, not because of my 3 week old, oh no! Because of my 3 YEAR OLD.

YOU SEEEEE when Eden first got here, Oscar developed what i first thought was a sickness bug, coming on at night and disappeared by the day. Anyway he gets the poos with it.. A little.

Fast forward 3 weeks and its on and off.. Maybe hes had it 2 nights since she was born, so last night was one of those nights,.. Except he wasnt ACTUALLY sick, just kept getting a watery mouth, and having a little cry. Im now doing a food diary to work out.. Whats causing the problem – so as i was saying, no sick, and fine by daytime.

Ok so to the story, i hate the school run, every twat and his dog takes up the parking spaces, I’m shit at driving as it is and my wing mirror is smashed off. So the only way forward… Is to get to the car park WAYYYYY too early.

So im sat in the car park, singing my heart out to a bit of jess Glynn, pretending I’m in a muaic video, both kids in the back WAITING. When i hear a muffled voice from the back ‘poo..mommy i neeeeed a poo’

SHIT. SHIT. SHIIIIT.

So, out i fly, trying my fucking damdest to get this bastard travel system up, whilst positively telling my toddler, ‘ dont worry darling we’ll be at the toilet in a minute’ so i finally get the baby on the travel system, drag toddler out of the rear facing car chair (safety is a priority but getting a 3 year old out who’s shouting that he’s gonna poo himself… Not an easy task.) my brains going 100 miles an hour, trying to work out how to get in the building when the gates don’t open for another 10 minutes. I decide to leg it into junior school whilst buzzing the buzzer on the door 20 thousand times, we’re buzzed in and a lovely receptionists like ‘hi can i help’ before i had time to explain…. “MOMMY POO POO POOooo”

The lovely receptionist jumps up to the task and buzzes Oscar through to the staff toilet, i look at her with admiration as she runs Oscar to the toilet leaving me in the foyer, with the newborn in the pushchair…

A few minutes go by.. Then a few more.. And by this point, I’m panicking. Another receptionist takes over ‘hi love are you being seen too.’

‘erm.. Yeah the receptionist took my son to the staff toilet and.. Well.. Theyve been gone a while’ she plods off… And comes to the staff door.. Ushers me through, ‘i think… You need to come’

Dear god, the poor fresh faced blonde receptionist looks abit green, ‘i think…… I think your son might be poorly, ill leave you too it’ and opens the toilet door. The smell slapped me the face quicker than the aldi checkout scans my food. ITS BAD. Hes still sat on the loo, we stay for another 10 mins.. Which.. Whilst your in a staff loo, you feel verh AWARE of. especially when a gentleman walked in cause i forgot to lock the door.

Anyway, i eventually convince Oscar to get off the loo, because he cant possibly poo any more.

We toddle out, apologising to everyone in the staff corridor about the smell.. And do a runner out the school.

The nursery teacher catches us on the way back to the carpark and i do a very quick explanation about why we’re not staying ‘SAY NO MORE’ she says.. Fully thankful that shes not going to be dealing with the shits today, and we get back in the car, im nearly at the exit of the carpark and oscar shouts.

‘mommy… No i need another poo’

And standing on the exit of the car park is two of the nursery moms, which.. Im not going to go into too much detail about.. But Ones a twat.

She shouts in, ah hii beth, how come youre taking oscar home

‘SHIT HIMSELF LOVE GOTTA GO’

AND OFF I SPED HOME.

The end.send alcohol.