Not in the baby books

Recently found out a friend is pregnant, shes full of questions and it made me think…. What WASN’T i told about pregnancy, birth and babies.
Heres my list.

1. You’re 4 weeks pregnant when technically you only conceived 2 weeks ago.
Thats right 2 weeks of that you absolutely arent pregnant but because they go from menstrual period rather than conception date you’re a month pregnant – hence adding 2 weeks to your clearblue result.

2. Car chairs (car seats) are crazily more expensive than i ever realised?!

3. When you open a nappy and expose baby bits to cold air… They pee. BIG PROBLEM WITH BOYS SQUIRTING YOU WITH PISS! Top tip, open, close quickly, give a few seconds.. Open again.

4.when they’re newborn theyre actually REALLLLY BORING. and you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about ‘this isnt so hard’

5. Sleep deprivation feels like it can kill you. There is a REASON its a torture technique.

6. Baby boys get erections.
You heard me correctly. This was a super awkward thing to not know about!!

7. After a natural birth, touch your toes whilst peeing and have a jug of luke warm water to pour on your foof.

8.having your first poo after a natural birth is WORSE than birth. Ask to take home the gas and air canister. No but seriously, lactulose and soften it up, its rough.oh and pretend to blow up a balloon whilst ur on the loo. Just trust me, blow blow blow.

9.little baby girls can have a ‘period’ when theyre first born. Don’t panic.normal.

10.raspberry leaf tea will soften your cervix for an easy more progressive labour. Talk to your midwife about when to start this! cannot plan a birth, i repeat you cannot plan a birth. I mean.. You can try but mother nature sometimes has other plans. So dont be disheartened if it isn’t what you planned.

12. If you ask 3 times for an epidural they cannot refuse… May be a myth.. May be a ledgend. Worked for me though.

13. Breastfeeding is hard. Worth it. But really really hard.

14. Despite this sounding incredibly scary, it’s amazing. Actually truly amazing.

15. There is no meal equivalent to the first peice of toast after birth… Absolutely incredible.

16. An empty cot is a safe cot. No mobiles, no blankets, no cuddlys. Nada.
Just ur baby and a sleepbag.

17.isofix for carchairs makes life much.. Much easier. Check if they fit your car.

18.your CAR insurance MAY be invalid for 6 weeks after a c-section. Double check with your insurer

19. You have to give birth to your placenta.. After your baby.

20. THAT RUSH OF LOVE might not happen immediately. It might take weeks or even months. Totally normal.

21. 3 day hormones are a thing!!! You will cry. Alot.

22. Newborn clothes last approximately 30 seconds.

23.MASTITIS. Feels like two atom bombs in your tits and can have flu like symptoms alongside it- go doctor asap if you think you might have it.

24.Make sure you’re able to express if you need to be away from your baby for more than a few hours!

25. Burp burp and burp again, gassy babies are hell.

26. Download a white noise app, and listen to it on repeat for three years so that your baby might nap!

27. Join an online baby forum where you compare baby poos and how useless your partner is.

28.your hair during pregnancy goes into a phase where you hold onto every hair. Making your hair thick and luscious. After birth you shed 9 months worth of hair…

29. Oats increase milk supply, get flapjacks, Porridge and hobnobs. (apparently this is a myth but id still use it to get my fill of hobnobs 😂)

30. Dont look your partner in the eye after birth without contraception you are VERY fertile.

31.nobody teaches you how to bath a baby. Theyre slippery. And the bath temp is an unknown.
Just go for ‘warmish’ and try not to drop them.

32.some mamas get a dark line down there belly right down to the foof.. No idea what its for mind u.

33.cabbage leaves out the fridge in your bra on engorged boobs, is a dream.

34.always point a little boys winky down in the nappy

35.second, third babies…. After pains… Omg you feel as if you’re delivering another baby

36.phantom kicks after the babies born… Scare the heebie jeebies out of me.

37. The baby hairs that grow all round your hairline?!

38. Do your pelvic floors… They are no joke made by midwives. Coming from someone who had a prolapse.(dont Google that) . And also pisses every time she laughs or sneezes or coughs

39.wouldn’t recommend viewing your foof in a mirror after natural birth. Not for the faint hearted.

40. peppermint tea to help with trapped wind after c-section is a godsend but not to be used if breastfeeding.

41. BABIES FIRST POO is like a sticky black tar – think black super glue.. Or black hair extension glue..

42.Think very carefully about a ‘hot curry to bring on labour ‘… Because you also can shit in labour… will always hear the baby crying when you’re in the shower. They’re not crying.

44. Rolling over in bed heavily pregnant might take a few hours.rolling over in bed pregnant with SPD WILL take the entire night, make you cry and then you’ll decide the other side was better.

45. Leave the baby bath full until a while after you’ve gotten them out.. The warm water sometimes makes them poop all in their towel.. And they need re washing.


Published by The Dempsey diaries

Just a mother, telling you of my shit stories, trying too hard to make you laugh.

One thought on “Not in the baby books

  1. As mum to a now 11 and 9 year old:
    Always check the back of your top for barf before you leave the house
    After a c section you get a pouch, this is not as cute as it sounds. The section scar is tighter than the rest of your now saggy gut so it hangs over the top, Invest in good pants
    Throw those damn baby books away. Mine hit the bin hard when my oldest was about 2 or 3 months old. You know your baby. Trust those instincts. Pick one or two people you trust and run things past them.
    And don’t engage in Mummy group competitions or goddamn baby forums. Babies do their own thing. My oldest talked at 8 months and could hold a conversation by 18. But she still couldn’t be arsed to walk until 19 or 20 months. My youngest still pretends she cant do something until she’s sure she’s got it nailed.
    Don’t leave the cat food in reach. Or scissors. In fact duct tape everything to the wall. I once had a wall of my house covered in 3 packs of postage stamps by an ambitious 3 year old. Who also filled in their own sticker chart while I was in the kitchen
    Take advantage of second hand clothes. They grow way too quick
    Just enjoy it, take it all in and take loads of photos. I miss toddlerdom. It will suddenly be their tenth birthday before you have had a chance to pop to the toilet.
    It’s hard. Probably the hardest thing you will ever do and as soon as you have a life stage figured out they will chuck something new into the mix. I thought babies were hard til I met toddlers then I had to learn all about overtired reception age kids. Now I have 2 with less than 2 years between them doing the puberty thing. It never lets up
    But its the best, most exciting, most rewarding, amazing and special roller coaster you will ever ride because as soon as you think you couldn’t love them anymore you look at them sleeping and fall head over heels all over again. Go Mama/Pops xxx


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