The benchmark of 30

I’m worried I’ll never make my mark before 30.

I don’t know why 30 is the number I’m particularly bothered about making it by, but it sits in my head like a ticking time bomb and the truth is.. I’m really truly scared I’ll never be at the place i want to be, by then.

By then i want to be blogging daily for a big magazine , or speaking daily for radio,or getting noticed and doing tv.

I want my fundraiser to be bigger, to escalate and make dreams come true-maybe even become a real charity.

I want to be someone remembered-that’s the scary thing. When I’m no longer here, i want to be someone who made a difference. Someone who did good things.
Who helped others achieve.

But also was not ‘inspiring’ but just funny and fun to be around and those are all the things i want for myself…and I’m truly terrified I’ll never get there.

If i go to bed without doing at least one thing to get closer to my goal, i feel completely disgusted in myself.

When a blog or a post or anything really does well, my mind spirals. When i get a conversation with someone big, i can’t stop smiling. When an interview arises I’m already imagining the things i can do, and the person I’m finally ready to be. And then…… I go back to square one.

And then there’s scariest part of all… What if i get there and it’s not everything I’ve dreamt of? Then what.

And then comes the guilt, so much effort into a dream- why am i not putting all my effort into parenthood,into my children, why am i not pushing them, giving them all of my time…

Ah… The inner workings of my mind are so fun right?

And you’re probably thinking – why the bloodyhell are you telling us all this? This isn’t funny. This isn’t what you normally post? But today.. I’ve decided to tell you why I’m so naggy when it comes to my blogs, tiktoks, videos,asking you to subscribe, asking to share, asking if you’d mind taking a look at my website.. This is why.

This is me, a very raw me.

2 thoughts on “The benchmark of 30

  1. I was very content to turn 30. I had a house, even rented, I was married and had one kid with another in the offing. I had a good career with promotion prospects.

    When I turned 40 I had a bankruptcy and was medically retired from my career with a complex health history. I coped very poorly with turning 40.

    Having had time to get my head out of my ass though when I look at my general level of contentment I can say I was putting too much stock by how other people measure success. I am raising two WONDERFUL children. I am told all the time how kind, well mannered and hard working they are. I’m still married after 13 years to a bloke I met nearly 17 years ago. And haven’t stabbed him yet! My new career will take time but I am marching to my own tune not some faceless middle manager who used to have me in the naughty chair for a bollocking at least once a month. Don’t sweat the small stuff. And most of it is small stuff. Sounds like you are doing amazing x

    Like

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