Things my birthing partner REALLY NEEDS TO KNOW about labour and birth…
Feel free to add things!
*YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL DURING MY LABOUR.
*. I want you to be supportive, but also know when not to utter a FUCKING WORD.
*.stroke my hair, but DON’T TOUCH ME.
*.if i say i want drugs, and i told you before labour to ignore me, DO NOT IGNORE ME. i was wrong.
*not ONE word about how i look or what i sound like. I don’t wanna hear that i sound like a deranged cow.
*”you’re only” followed by amount of centimetres dilated i am, is a viable sentence to kill you.And trust me, i will.
*.Don’t you DARE touch my snacks.
*.Don’t go bringing food for just yourself either, yours is too share.
*.popping out every 2 minutes to update people NOT PERMITTED.
*But don’t actually, fuck off
*How bloody DARE you, sleep!
*NO it’s not twins, it’s the placenta!
*no flirting with the midwife.
*you’re not allowed to tell anyone i shat myself.
*you’re also not allowed to tell anyone i thought it was a contraction and it was a fart.
*The sights of crowning are not to be spoken of past the birthing suite.
*Breathing loud is really infuriating.
*.YES THIS IS NORMAL!!! THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD OF WATCHED ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE WITH ME but noooooooo…We don’t JOKE about the midwife putting an extra stitch in, else you might need some stitches yourself.
*If you don’t get the right bloody birth outfit out the baby bag, i will kill you.
*.if i can HEAR YouTube, there’s gonna be a serious problem.
*Take photos of me and the baby!
*if i need something and the midwifes not in the room, you hunt her down like she owes you money