Living in dreamworld

Fast approaching 30 with no REAL idea on what the actual foooook I’m doing.
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I might look like someone who has it together (humor me) but honestly working out what I want in life, from a job… Is just HELL.
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I’m stuck between dreamland believing that i should love and enjoy my job whilst making a crackin’ wage and the reality of needing a 9-6 that requires smart clothes that pays my damn bills.

I hear most weeks how I’m living in dreamworld and need to live real life and honestly.. I just don’t know whether to suck it up and enter the real world.. Or keep trying for that whimsical job I’m praying for..

A job that pays more than breaking even on childcare, whilst allowing me to be the creative, rainbow glitter loving nutter that I want to be,whilst not compromising family time.
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Arghhhhhh… I don’t wanna settle.
But…. Maybe I’ll have too.

Insta kid

I’ll never have an instagram kid, you know the ones i mean, muted colors and clean backgrounds and hair done.

I’m not calling you out… I’d love one. I would but damn man, my kids are dirty 30 seconds after being dressed.
I don’t really own kid socks in pairs any more, unless i JUST bought them.. But once they’ve been washed, they divorce.. Its that simple, one stays and one returns periodically for a bit of fun.

They LOVE those shitty flashy character clothes with the plasticy stuff that goes weird in the tumble dryer.. and I’m sorry but i refuse to spend ANY spare time ironing.

I can use the time eating, i can use the time netflixing, or.. I can use the time screaming that it’s bedtime… I am NOT using it to take creases out of clothes that are going to have ketchup handprints on as soon as they come out of the wardrobe.

The other thing is, EVEN IF i bought the cute plain insta worthy outfits- my kids arent gonna pose. They’re not.. They’re just NOT.
I don’t know if its cause i didn’t prep them from birth… But… Its not happening for me.

So insta moms.. For real I APPLAUD you cause honestly… I can’t do it 😂

Baby scan.

Many of you don’t know me personally, but some of you will.

Being the person I am, I’ve always strived to really understand and have lots and lots of knowledge and hands on experience in my chosen field – fertility /pregnancy /babies.

I’ve worked in an IVF clinic, briefly on a maternity ward, and now I’m working in private baby scanning.

I’ve taken ladies into theatre for egg collection, watched an embryologist work to make embryos, watched them grow day by day, and taken that same lady back for embryo transfer.

I’ve been there for the calls where it hasn’t been successful, and I’ve been there where they finally have their miracle after years of struggle.

I’ve now moved to Window to the womb, commenced training in scan room for first scans- yesterday I got to see the look on a couples face when their baby appeared on screen, the nerves before – the excitement and pure wonder and then.. That relief of a flickering heartbeat

I can honestly say, there’s no feeling like it.
If any of you are heading to Window to the Womb Wolverhampton, you’re in good hands.

🙏✨❤️

The real price of working parents

Dearest folky folk.

I often hear how people should WORK and not be stay at home parents.

Stop being lazy- show your kids the way to live.
Give them an example to be hard working.

Just know that this month I’ve worked 2 jobs,
And not even broke even on my childcare fees (AND THATS WITH TAX FREE CHILDCARE)

I’ve given time, energy, petrol, early mornings, very late nights, and I’m not up a single penny, after paying out my 2.5 year olds nursery and my sons afterschool. God forbid if I buy my lunch from the works cafe, I’ll be minus money!

So please.. Before judging and lecturing folk about staying home- realise that sometimes it simply ISN’T WORTH IT.

Anywho, if anyone wants to grant me some kind of lottery win, or a nice job that pays a cracking wage.. Please do.

Getting your poorly toddler to drink

Its always rough when one of the crew goes down with a bug, but when its the smaller, none-talker its that bit more tough!

See, you know yourself that when you’re entering barf city, the last thing you want to do is drink, eat or engage in unnecessary interactions.. But unfortunatley as parents, though we may notice changes we never TRULY know until the throwing up commences.

And that’s when panic sets in, mountains of stinky sicky washing, calling into work and looking after a poorly toddler who doesn’t do personal space (resulting in you too, catching the wonderful array of variants of sickness bugs)

So the last thing you want to worry about is how to keep that little sicky one hydrated..I put together a few tips I’ve learnt on my parenting journey.. To save you time.

磻 Start simple, a special cup?
Does your child have a favorite cup? Maybe their brothers out of bound cup? Cool! Go with that, with small amounts so there’s no ‘guzzling’ – resulting in that speciality exorcist sick!

磻 Fruit shoots? The novelty is maybe worth it.. And of course you can shove whatever you like in there,tip away the drink and just use the bottle be it for ;water and a dioralyt sachet, Vitamins in the squash.. Any antibiotics you need to get in?

磻Toddler tea party, if your toddler can tip their own water/squash they’re more likely to drink out of a tiny toy plastic cup than a real one! (warning… Do not attempt milk you’ll regret that, not only for the throwing up, but for if they pour it and it sticks in your rug or something 濫)

磻 Curly wurly straws- something a little exciting about a curly wurly straw!

磻Bath time syringe? Shove them in the bath, pop a cup of dioralyt and water on the side of the bath, and let them syringe it in their own mouth. Play, shooting it into their mouth.

磻Another good one for in the bath,a bowl of (whatever liquid your heart desires) Pretend ice cream and a spoon! A bit of pretend play spooning ice cream into each others mouths!

磻Don’t steal my drink! One I’ve played many a time, pour yourself a delicious drink of whatever you want them to have, remind them how silly and cheeky it is to drink mommys/daddys/anyones drink and then giggle and pretend tell off if they drink some (this is great for the rebellious type)

磻Ice lollys- desperate times call for desperate measures and ice lollys can cool down and hydrate and give a bit of sugar too!

Do you have any tips?

*signs of dehydration : Dry tongue and dry lips.
No tears when crying.
Fewer than six wet diapers per day (for infants), and no wet diapers or urination for eight hours (in toddlers).
Sunken soft spot on infant’s head.
Sunken eyes.
Dry and wrinkled skin.
Deep, rapid breathing.
Cool and blotchy hands and feet.
Please consult medical help if your child is poorly. *

Happy international womens day

Happy international womens day! 👭💅💕🎉💪

The world is our oyster 🌍
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Just as soon as we have flexible childcare, breastfeeding provisions, equal pay, and less of the sexual harassment 🙄

Traditional “ahem” valentines

And a message to those of you WHO ARE participating in valentine’s, in the more…. Traditional way.

Erm…. Nan don’t read any further. Thanks.
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Ok, flavored lubes are not to go up your hoohar unless you want a weekend of stingy stingy. That’s for your taste buds only.
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The chocolate starfish may only be entered with PRIOR CONSENT and a 30 minute warmup, with lube. No random prodding. Thankyou.
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.dont suddenly decide a few hours prior to fun time that its a good day to try hair removal cream…. It is not. Unless you are happy to take the risk that you may light up the room with your GLOW…
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Towels down on the bed, last thing you wanna be doing is lying in sticky chocolate body paint, a wet patch, or changing bed covers at sleepy sleep time.
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. Talking of sticky body paint,….. Sticky isn’t all that sexy. Just saying.
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if you plan to involve any extra curricular in your evening of fun, make sure all batteries are full of power, all cuffs have a quick release, and that any cream is in date.
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Folks.. If you dont want to be squeezing a crotch goblin out in 9 months WRAP IT UP.
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Don’t be putting any old edible things round your lady garden, no seriously, the things ive heard… Mcflurry 🙈 please.. Don’t do it.. Nobody wants a curdled ice cream foof and thrush for the next 4 weeks. DON’T DO IT.
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Please for the love of god DO NOT be shoving anything up there that isn’t made to go up there… A&E get a good laugh around this time of year, don’t be one of the reasons why.
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Finally, and more specifically..if you’re not used to the wild nights, make sure you’ve got a day off tomorrow… ESPECIALLY if the chocolate starfish is involved. Don’t want any accidents at work do you…oh PS don’t trust a fart👀
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Good luck to you all and may your contraceptives not fail you, else next year might be a different kind of wild😘

If you didn’t get flowers…

Don’t worry if you’ve not woken up to love heart balloons.
And you’ve woken up to last nights washing up.

Valentines, as wonderful as it can be, can also break your heart too.

You’re as worthy as the girl getting a dozen roses delivered.
You’re as loved as the that “lucky bitch” on instagram with breakfast in bed.

And whilst valentines has a way of making you feel… Pretty naf, just remember to love yourself the most.

Give yourself your favorite tea, with fancy cutlery. 🍝
Treat yourself to a candlelit bath.🛀
Knock yourself dead with canned cocktails.🍹

And if all that fails…… Remember.. The REAL day of love is coming up real soon… PANCAKE DAY🥞😍❤️😘

Bedtime shenanigans

Whyyyyy is putting kids to bed so hard?!

The first child lured me into false sense of security.
The second on the other hand,
I’ve put her to bed, we said goodnight, did kisses. Within half a flight of stairs shes calling me
“mommm… Mom, more bot bots”
So i oblige. More bottle. Ok. Sure.
We say goodnight, i leave.. 30 seconds goes by…
“mommmmmm, Bo-people” (bo-peep toy) .. I give it a minute to see if it passes..
“BO PEOPLE, BO PEOPLE!!!!!!!!” she shouts rattling her baby gate like a caged animal.

I proceed to take BO PEOPLE up to the bedroom, where my little lady demands that Bo people is tucked in, kissed and also given bot bots.

Me being the dickhead i am, obliges.

“goodnight… Love you”

I’d love to say this is where that ended but add on around 42 up and down trips of the stairs, various different things, diddys, blankets, THE CORNER of the blanket,Hot, cold, i kissed around 26 characters all tucked in, and fed.
and then she may aswell have just friggin demanded a diamond from the queens crown!

Honestly…i just want one night of watching shit TV without the stairs workout.. 🙄😂

P. S i don’t want tips, advice or anything.. Just a rant.