Facebook baby group

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Facebook baby group has somehow turned into a fully fledged support system that really should be my close family and friends,but instead, is a group of girls I’ve never had the pleasure to meet but they all have a baby born in July except me.. Who ditched the boring August group because July board was way more fun.  (SORRY AUGUST GROUP BUT YOU DON’T SEEM THE TYPE TO GIGGLE OF A PICTURE OF PICTURE OF MY BABY HOLDING A BEER) 

They’re not your normal group… Oh no. Long gone are the boring bastards that want to complain about *NAGGY VOICE* early weening or co-sleeping.,**Hamheads of the world.. BE GONE ! These are moms that count down til happy hour (the hour the wine gets poured or the other half takes the screaming blue faced  poo exploding baby from you). These bunch of moms are the ones who didn’t fit into the stereotypical baby center boards, where I can hear about babies ACCIDENTALLY licking a bit of vindaloo (and I believe enjoying it… Naming no names)img-20161020-wa0055

They come to the safe place of our private group to bitch about their monster-in-laws who decide to wake the baby from their hard worked for nap, or to tell you ‘you mustn’t pick him up when he’s crying’ (not mine. Thank baby jesus for small miracles) and call each others boyfriends assholes. I also believe for the more serious assholes, Taylor.. Hayley.. I’m looking at you, there has been mentions of a hitman. Admittedly that was from me.. But hey ho.

Everyone deserves one of  these Facebook groups so get yourself together, kick out the boring no early weening and Co sleeping bastards and enjoy looking at other people’s babies doing the same stupid shit at yours,  like having a meltdown because daddy said hello (meltdown max) or doing a poonami whilst at the weigh in clinic. Because guess what. That’s the kinda shit babies do. Someone needs to let Sam faires know that she’s gonna be done for false advertisement in her mommy diaries.. Because I’m sorry to tell you.. But if you put my baby in a rubber ring.. And float him across a spa pool he would do one of two things, PUKE. OR. SHIT!img-20161020-wa0061

 

BCJULY16 You girls are keeping me alive and sane. Shout out to Phillipa (although she said I was 28 in the guess the age picture thread)  for being a seriously funny twat.

Routine Andrea who still now.. Doesn’t know that’s her name or that she’s a star in my blog.

Hayley, Abi and Lauren for making me laugh enormous amounts about the stupid shit that goes on in their lives.

And all the girls who inspire me to write this.. I see you all (Justin bieber s cheesyline)

**HAMHEAD is some dick heads username on babycenter July 16 board who likes to Google facts about boring shit like weening, routine, co-sleeping, her profile picture is a dog with ham over his face. Please feel free to go send her abuse… Or WORSE tell her your weening at 5months and not 6

Mommy + Daddy’s night off…

Yeah… Last night.. Was OUR NIGHT. We were all booked up to go see Justin Bieber. (I’d have rather have gone to Justin’s house off cbeebies after recent revelations … 🙄)  

We had our accidental purchase (accidently on purpose on gingys card) VIP tickets..(whoops-a-daisy Beth)  And I sure as hell walked past the ques and ques of people feeling like royalty. However.. Just before we arrived we read the tickets ‘please dress in a manner appropriate for a smart evening’ . And I was standing in my oversized MEN’S t-shirt and a pair of boots ‘oh for fuck sake, fucking nob, I’d have bloody made a bit more of an effort than my £11.99 men’s t-shirt and primark boots. shit. .. Inside were the floppy hat slags (as a good friend of mine calls them)  you know the ones with those giant floppy sun hats and faces contoured into next year with tight little dresses no bigger than a size 8. Yeah.. Lots of them. And… US. So we were very much out of our depth. I mean.. There was more than one fork.. I knew I was screwed. (I didn’t use any of the cutlery once… And I still put my chewing gum under the table shoot me now. ) 

You can take the girl out of Wolverhampton but you can’t take the Wolverhampton out of the girl.. There were two options on the Menu.. Posh.. And paupers – I definitely took the pauper option of a hot dog and chips (worded as if it were some gourmet masterpiece by Jamie Oliver himself) 

The waitress.. A teenage girl who looks like she wears a full tracksuit and airmaxs in her spare time and has a Facebook name like ‘lady letisha KMT snm’ who couldn’t keep up a posh waitress performance long, spooned ketchup onto gingys plate and lap… He didn’t even want ketchup. Thankyou waitress… You inspired a badass complaint this morning in hope of freebies (pray for beth) 

The performance. My eyes rolled back into my head more times than when gingys telling me off for something… The cheesy ‘you guys have a purpose, you matter.. I see all of you‘ Bollocks just doesn’t wash with me after you’ve basically told us all to shut our traps! I also learnt that I can’t do that hand bouncy thing that people do at concerts..(I bet lady letisha snm KMT could)  I have become a mom. The music was far too bassy and loud and I sang more than he bloody did. MAY ASWELL OF SAT IN THE CAR WITH THE CD ON FULL BLAST WITH A STROBE LIGHT IN THE BACK.

Small miracles

So I thought today, that yesterday was a big milestone in having Oscar, no he didn’t cut his first tooth, no he didn’t roll… And hell if he slept through the night I’d be having a party. No. I’d like to officially announce that I had a hot cup of tea ☕… That’s right. Hot. Not warm.. And not cold. HOT. Anyone with a baby will understand that heat is something we lack… Hot tea… Hot food.. Hot bath.. It just doesn’t happen any more,  so once I polished off that toasty cuppa.. I was ready to conquer the world… Or the poonami that was all over grandad, Woops sorry grandad. 

Now today… Today is exciting.. Today is baby free time, well tonight. Tonight I’m off to be a screaming fan girl to Justin bieber. HELL YEAH. My changing bags being changed for a handbag…. NO NAPPY SACKS.  I might take some baby wipes though, those things are my life. Baby poo-baby wipe. Cat SICK –  Baby wipe. Spilled drink- Baby wipe. Cleaning the house.. HELL.. I’M GONNA USE A BABY WIPE. I know you can all relate,i know for sure that if you’ve got a baby that you’ve managed to do all Housework with a baby wipe.

The prep that I need for my Justin bieber baby-faced night out is as follows:

FAKE TAN.  now fake tan is a toughy.. You have to prep for it.. I’m not talking about the exfoliating.. Nobody really does that do they? I’m talking about shaving the legs. That adds a good 5 minutes to my shower 🚿… Oscars not great with shower time anyway, let alone an extra five minutes stuck in front of Mr fucking tumble. (he’s an incredibly irritating bloke he really is.) Then we’ve got to actually apply the tan.. This involves putting it on (I’ve got it down to about 3 minutes) and letting it dry without picking Oscar up.. Now.. If I cave and pick Oscar up, he’s gonna look like he’s had a thoroughly good sunbathe on ibiza beach,  especially when it sinks in to his dry forehead, he’ll look like something off dickinsons real deal.

Next I’m going to need to dye my hair.. This means actually going and getting the color and coming home and putting it on without giving Oscar any black spots to add to his now orange complexion. in fact.. I might be pushing it just slightly dying my hair. We might leave that one. I mean it’s not a ten minute job, and everyone knows you can only do things in 5-10 minute slots. Your baby is a ticking time bomb! Getting ready to ruin your day at any given moment.

Now I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t looked at the calpol twice already this morning thinking about the silence of him sleeping through my time-sensitive tasks. Knowing full well that it’s morally wrong to dose your baby up on calpol to fake tan yourselves – I do feel like he’s a bit hot and needs his temperature bringing down.? No no. I’m just kidding don’t go phoning social services, I’m gonna handle my baby… Drug free. And that means both of us. Wish me luck! 

Dunk-a-baby

So after the very little sleep we managed. Gingy strolled in, pissing about round the house at 3.40am , the baby decided at 2-4-5+6am that he wanted some milk? Why does he do that.. Like hourly Oscar..Really? Have you not heard about the other babies routines… 🙄? Did you not realise we’re looking at a good 4 or 5 hours now?! Get on schedule child.

Anyway as I was saying, on very little sleep, and after braving gingys football ( I just wanted to make sure he got his ass out bed and stood in the cold for a few hours) you know…after my shit night sleep.

It was SWIMMING Lesson time.. Oscars Waterbabies class. Now after skiving last lesson because Oscar had the sniffles.. And his last lesson had scared the shit out of me ANDDDDD the fact that my makeup was perfect and it couldn’t be ruined by a bloody swimming lesson.We were behind… And nervous, and having to drag gingy out of his hangover coma on the sofa… Meant we were late. So in we go praying that we didn’t have our last teacher (I’m sure she was the trunchple out of matilda?) and I’m greeted by ALL THE DADS 🙄already in the pool, and a young soft spoken swimming teacher. few. Now this swimming teacher seemed to think I new what to do.. But you know what I really didn’t! So first we had to do a safe entrance into the pool. Now if you’ve ever been to waterbabies you’d know you lie baby feet first on the side of the pool, you put both hands either side of them and swivel in gracefully then scoop up your bundle of joy.. Me.. Well I put him down NEARLY BANGED HIS HEAD. Both hands either side… The swivel didn’t go to plan, I nearly flattened Oscar with a belly flop,  made a huge cannonball entrance splash into the pool and dragged Oscar in like a dead seal on a nature documentary. Great start.

Oscar then made the choice to do a baby classic… Puke and fart.. Bubbles up to the surface which I very quickly addressed as the baby. (smirks were  flying let me tell you ) And a ton of stringy white sick.. Now I’m sorry.. what are you meant to do when a babies sick in the pool?  when your caught that is.. Because obviously if your not caught..you just splash it off with the water but when your caught- and all eyes are on you, with this dribbly sick slowly dripping off Oscars face into the pool where all the other darling angels are about to swim WHAT DO YOU DO?  well I panicked and wiped it on my bikini top.. My black bikini top, with a white sick stain. Honestly not a look for a children’s swimming lesson.

We then had to do several swim and releases. Swim and releases aren’t for the fainthearted – you could see the dad’s getting the babies back for all the sleepless nights, half finished games of fifa and cock-blocking. Basically.. You dunk your baby under water..let go.. And hope for the best?(if you did this at home you’d have social services at your door and your baby ferried off to be adopted) . Well after the demonstration with little Isla who came back to the surface upside down flapping around like a fish out of water, I new we were in trouble… But we did it: dunk.. Let go.. Touch the wall.. Pick up baby.. Swim. Oscar came up spitting more water than he has milk in a bottle… But he recovered quickly until the swim back to the wall. Where I slipped and dunked him under twice by accident and all the parents silently judged me.

Gingys night out

Gingys night out means one thing and one thing only. Try not to self destruct

But of course.. When your other half goes out..your baby always wants to be an Arsehole. Oscar for example has had around 7 meltdowns… Is completely fighting his sleep and also adds a few poonamis into the mix,  in desperate hope not to turn into an alcoholic I decided to have a walk to sainsburys… In the rain to buy gingy.. hangover breakfast (yes I’m trying to be the housewife of his dreams) now I don’t know who I’m kidding pretending that I’m totally fine with him being out and getting rat arsed. But regardless I push all BABY FREE NIGHT AND LOTS OF ALCOHOL AND FUN TIME jealousy to the back of my mind and I spend £18 on breakfast shite. EIGHTEEN SMACKERS! THEY WANNA GET A BASTARD LIDL ROUND HERE.

Anyway… The only way I’m handling Oscars meltdowns is the thought that gingy said he’d probably be home by ten… Been out since 4pm…seems reasonable.. But if not HE WOULD LET ME KNOW(remember that gingy?) that he was staying out so me and oscar could settle for the night.

Que 10pm…no sign.. No text. As you can imagine.. After Oscars tantrums, (even in the fucking bath?! This kid loves the bath and he screamed like I was washing him with a friggin’ brillo pad)  the cat falling in Oscars dirty bath water… Sorry Dory… And no tea,  I went all the way to fuckbagging rip-off robbing sainsburys and forgot to actually get something to feed myself. I was… Pretty fucking mad. You know… Bury you under the patio sorta mad. (I blame hanger)

Next up.. Drunken texts and apologies, at NOW QUARTER TO 1 IN THE MORNING the last thing you want or need when your 11week old is FINALLY FUCKING SLEEPING is..’is the door looked . Xxxx’

This leads me to now.. Half one.. Stirring baby… Overly hot from getting wound up. Overly hungry for forgetting my own food. And overly awake from the Damn coffee and text messages. Writing on my fucking blog. who the fuck does this shit? 

 

Oh forgot to mention… Oscar also puked on me. 👍

Omg.. MORE EBAY SHIT

THAT’S RIGHT,  Oscars had his over night overly full nappy done and we’re already downstairs before twelve.. RECORD!  I’m certainly not a mother who could get myself and Oscar ready before 10am…mothers who can do this are definitely superhuman,and I commend them. If I get a doctors appointment before twelve we have to do a serious ROUTINE beginning the night before. That’s right Andrea. I’m on your team when we have to leave the house before 12.

So anyway.. We get downstairs and Oscars put in his usual spot.. The playmat. The playmat is the PLACE TO BE in our house. Oscar spends a hellll of a lot of time on the playmat, does that make me a bad parent? I think not. Because Oscar gets spun hourly… Four different views. Occasionally I’ll even pull the playmat closer to the window or the stairs (if he’s on there I make car noises so it seems like I’m being fun and not just lazy) I’m considerate like that.

Quick flashback. 

Recently on Facebook advertisements I saw a really cute loungesuit, you know the big people baby grows, I loved it!  But really £25 for a big people baby grow with super cute ripped knees… I couldn’t-so what did I do.. I EBAYED THE SHIT OUT OF IT! And I found a cheap China shit replica for £3 and if I bought 2…60p off. Who am I to refuse a bargain like that.

Fast forward 

Oscars on the playmat.. Mommys watching toddlers and tiaras finishing off a variety box of biscuits. (I have a problem)  and I hear that delightful sound.. It’s my letterbox.. My cheap China shit has arrived. Woohooo! Firstly China have excelled thereselves with packaging. How they can get two big people babygrows in a package smaller and thinner than a birthday card is beyond me.. I can’t even get letter into an envelope without wripping it. So I make my way through my package which has been vacuum packed into around 7layers of cellophane. The first one… Is.. Bright green. (meant to be khaki)  made out of some kind of shiny lycra… I try it on.. I looked like a fat shiny elf. Well.. Waste not want not and all of that, I’m now being an elf for Christmas. Second one.. THE SECOND ONE… the second one is the reason I ebay shop. 2sizes to big… Yep… Shitty cotton material… Yep… Nowhere near the color I ordered… Yep.. But dya know what… It’ll pass for a loungesuit.. So I consider that. A BARGAIN.! 👏. PICTURES TO FOLLOW SOON. 😉

My cheap China shit came

That’s right my cheap China shoes came. Fake timbalands.with fur round the outside and fur inside. Hell to the yeahhh £12 bargain!  

When on maternity pay.. Cheap China ebay shit is everything a girl could ask for but with the worst delivery time in history… I’ve been waiting a good 3 weeks for my cheap shit china boots. But when I opened that tatty white box, it felt like Christmas.

Off I go to test out these boots the best way I know how… FOOD SHOPPING. (microwave meal shopping)  after many a conversation about post baby diets… Hearing my new cyber mom friends stories about homecooked risottos being thrown in the bin… I’ve decided to cut my losses and only shop in the Mirical aisle of ‘3minute meals’  it means I get a hot meal.. In 3 minutes… And that my friends is God’s way of telling me he’s got my back with this baby buisness.

When I get back with my maryland cookies and my 2 ping meals for tea.i smell PISS. not baby piss. cat piss. It’s one of the two offenders. Dory or Alfalfa. I sniff test the living room and quickly decide it can only be the rather neglected cat litter tray (I’m sorry but nobody loves that job)

We make a deal. Someone settles Oscar. Someone cleans the tray. NOW USUALLY… I’d think settling Oscar was the short straw. But with the events that followed,id take a shit storm of poonamis and Oscar tantrums any day!

I take the litter tray, in the dead of dark to the outside bin. I’ve forgotten my phone for a light… Am I going back. Am I fuck… This job sucks as it is, let’s not make it any longer. I open the bin.. Tip the tray anddd…. CAT PISS RUNS INTO MY FUR-LINED CHEAP SHIT EBAY BOOTS…

 

Let’s start with the shit.

Wow… I started this all so well.. And this basically just shows how Bollocks this can be, because I pressed back and my whole fucking paragraph deleted.  So I’ll cut this down to the nitty gritty.  This is just my day to day life with Oscar and gingy and how shitty it can really be.

Lets begin with our pootine.

Our pootine is just an example of everything you weren’t forewarned about in parenthood, nobody tells you your going to discuss your baby’s pootine daily with the other half.. On his lunch break ‘yeah the cotton bud up his arse worked he finally shat and it stunk and was bright green’  but you get into a pootine, you expect them, once.. Maybe twice a day, around the same sorta time You expect aPOONAMI. If you haven’t yet had a baby a poonami is an explosion of shit. I’m talking shit up their back. Shit up their front. Shit on your fingers. Shit in your hair. Shit everywhere. Usually somewhere totally annoying, usual suspects being the carseat or bouncer because they’re a fuckingnightmare to wash and dry. Think game on ‘the cube’  removing and replacing carseat chair (eventually resorted to youtube). But you do come to expect it.. However today was a different ball game!  Every nappy today was a fucking poonami I’m talking 6+ shitty korma nappies.. 6?! GET A LOAD OF THAT ROUTINE ANDREA*  after the shock of the poonamis something amazing happened.

*routine Andrea is off my baby club, who truly has a routine for EVERYTHING. Every baby club has a routine Andrea.

 

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